purpose

To be honest I have been searching for something to live for and there is nothing worth waking up for,breathing for,smiling for, nothing to make me want to keep my heart beating. It seems as tho it just beats because that's what it was designed to do no real reason it beats, nothing to drive me to want to live. To be honest I've been dead for a long time just moving with the motion of the season.Since I can remeber 18 or 17 I've had this feeling,this thought that I would not live to see 25. I don't know what brought this feeling but it feels like a truth, a fact, something that is going to happen. I hate what I've become. I had dreams,aspirations,goals,fantasies of being married having children. Not what I am now. Not heading down this road that I dare not tread on. I don't want to be gay attracted to another male it disgusts me to my core. Nothing like that can fully fullfill my life. My heart is so heavy my body is tired and my mind is weary. But then I remembered someone saying (including my mom) for god I live and for god I die. I want to be there having something as great as that to live for, to breath for, to dream for to make my choices based upon. But I feel stuck like I'm held from every side while at the same time being pulled towards something that has nothing but love for me. but I can't feel it. I mean truly feel it like a warm touch on cold skin. I need something to complete me I'm breaking inside I've been cracked for years never fixed or patched. Its tareing me assunder. Where is my fathers hand to help me up. Possibly right in front of me. indeed I know it is but I can't see it nor feel it because I'm blind to what is apparent. Like a blind man that seeks to see or mute that wishes to hear there voice I dream to live and live with purpose. But a purpose of what? It seems as tho I am called to do something great something this world has been deperately calling for and threw me it will be fulfiled. But I am scared. Why me? Why must I be the one that does this? Why am I sought after like I am? What of me is so inspiring so wanted? Those I do not know and those I know are drawn to me like tides to the moon waiting for something they do not understand but yet they wait. I almost stand among them waiting and wondering trying to see what it is I have inspired them to wait and see. But I know wha it is I know who it is but these chains they bind me these thoughts they torment me. I cannot even show my smile anymore because my glow has been put out like the burning end of a midnight ciggarette. I only need one purpose to live and ill break free from these chains grab hold of my fathers hand and never strafe from my path. Just show me I ask show me let this still barely beating heart feel the shock of my given purpose, my unfrsaken love, and my reason. i cant walk anymore with thought not my own and feelings i cant control ive lost my self somewhere.