Beautiful Day, Troubled Heart

That Day It was a beautiful day , but everything in my life wasn’t ok… For 3 hours I could see what my life had become, everything I never saw for myself and new things I’ve never done. On the outside I was playing it cool, On the inside I was worrying about everything, and self-pity was my fuel. It made me want to leap out of my chair, Give this new world the finger, and say fuck it I just don’t care. When things started going good and the way that they should, I had to devastate the foundation and start destroying it anyway I could. That’s what I have been conditioned to do for so many years, Instead of building back up, I break down cause of so many fears. It’s just so much easier to hate and devastate then it is to love and create Which is ironic… Love is natural while Hate is man-made.. So much energy is needed, to fuel a feeling that just fades. Thank God I have learned not to trust my feelings as they are not facts, They lie and deceive and they too shall pass. I kept thinking that I had to be the perfect recovering addict who doesn’t think about getting high.. “I feel great , everything is going Fantastic” is what I told people, What a lie…. I don’t go looking for the bad , but when the bad comes and it finds me? The feelings are hard to control, sort out and act appropriately. But Everything comes with time, and I have learned that are just certain things that I must earn. Recovery is a re-evaluation of how I deal with Life. And for a moment, I wanted the excitement, I wanted to feel so alive. How I wanted to entertain myself, should not be a surprise…..