Careless Embrace

I gave you my heart long ago. It was too late when I finally realized that I had given you my all. I realized that I had submitted to you, without even knowing it. How easy it is to fall into place with the life the universe has already designed for you... My soul was closed off. I dutifully denied any trace, any speckle of love that dared come my way. I had written off people like you. I told myself that there was no room for love... And yet there you were, sitting quietly, but obviously, right beside me the whole time. I hadn't recognized what you were until you graced me with your presence from afar for the 100th time. It was then that I understood. I knew that you had nabbed me, captured me in your ghostly grasp. But even as a ghost you kept me warm on sunless days. I still denied it though, I denied you. "I do not love him." I thought if I told myself enough it would become truth. Because at that time the only thing more frightening than the mystery of death was loving a one who could not love you. I thought I was choosing whether or not to love you. But I am wiser now, as I know that you cannot choose to love or not to love. For so long, it was as if you were with me even though you were not. I could feel you, the essence of your being. I could hear you. Your voice was warmth. I knew you, I understood you, as one knows an old friend. It was as if I had known you and loved you since the beginning of time. It had always been you, just and only you, all the time, every time, all day, every year since my birth. I know this. Our hearts grew closer and closer together. I know this. We were the only two flowers in a forest of trees. But something has changed. You've turned away from me, and now I stare at your back. The intense bond I once felt has been severed. I barely know you, I can barely see you. What have you done? What have I done? I opened myself and soaked you up. Now you've walked out, and what is left is a raw fleshy mess. Now I can't deny it. Now I cannot deny you. You are real, and I am real, and this is real. And I've lost it all. I'm standing outside my safe haven; the doors are locked. But you still have me. You still have me in your arms. I can't get rid of you. I gave you my mind, and my soul. I gave you my body and you've not even touched me. How am I to retrieve these things that were once mine? You are stronger than I, and your grip is devastating. I need to inhale, but your careless embrace will not allow it. You are my air, and while you still have a hold on me, you give me nothing.