pain consumes

I would love some feedback as to which version seems better. Thanks! pain consumes mountains behind her she stands, eyes eastward to the only stretch of horizon she can view, the only one she needs. the box walls edge closer portals slam shut nothing out, nothing in. darkness eats at her psyche, she peers into blackness through the eyes of another. constricted energy ultimately bursts from the gash below her nose. profanity becomes shrapnel which embeds itself into all her surrounds. 03-24-11 rev. ©tlp 2010 Original: pain consumes mountains to her back she stands, eyes eastward to the only stretch of horizon she can view, the only one she needs. the walls of her box edge closer portals slam shut nothing out, nothing in. darkness eats at her psyche as she squints into blackness through the eyes of another. constricted energy ultimately explodes from the gash beneath her nose. profanity becomes shrapnel which embeds itself into all her surrounds. 12-01-10 ©tlp 2010