Red Riding Hood

The big bad wolf one day Drunk at the bar was heard to say "Riding Hood? I know that bitch And her grandma, what a witch! They're the reason I lost my arm, All For what? I meant no harm. I know I'm a wild animal But I aint no fucking cannibal! Well the bitch was picking daisies in my wood Thought to myself 'this aint good' You see I nurtured them forever, I WATCHED THEM GROW Was gonna enter ‘em in the annual flower show. The Red Cow stomped, crushed and stole my babies Of course I was pissed, I still had rabies, Knowing that her gran was ill Thought I'd visit, I had time to kill. So I went to bitch about my loss And maybe catch up some village goss But all the old hag did was laugh in my face I felt so dirty, so disgraced. To teach her a lesson I ate her whole She tasted terrible, like a cigarette bowl. Feeling very ill, I needed to rest So I went into the old bird’s nest. Made myself comfy, wore the old bat's dress Why laugh? It's my sexual preference. So anyway back to what I was saying I didn't really plan on staying, I only wanted to give a scare And make the family more aware But the bed was so comfy I fell asleep Next thing I know my life's in a heap. My arm is bleeding on the floor The psycho bitch between me and the door She snuck up on me when I was sleeping And proceeded to give me a bloody beating, Ripped off my arm with her sharp little claws And gave a bull story to the officers of the law, With the evidence stacked against me I decided to let grandma free. So the stories of my death are untrue And the consequences of that rumour I still rue, By the time I was out of hospital my woods were gone Some developer had come along Put a mall where my daisies used to thrive And a smelly highway on which you humans drive All my friends had lost their homes To sparkling commercial domes. So yes, I know that bitch Red Riding Hood She managed to stuff my life up real good, Destroyed a healthy community, Gave wolves a reputation of lunacy, Caused me a whole three weeks in traction No, I don't like her, not a fraction She fuckin cost me all my land And is the reason I'm drinking with my left hand. **** Hi, This is a fun exercise Eck forwarded to me. Details below... enjoy! Q "Fable, nursery rhyme one. Take any fable, urban legend, fairy story or nursery rhyme, old or new, and turn it into a poem, rhymed or unrhymed."