Sales pitch

Hello there! May I please come into your spacious, and beautifully furnished first world home? Thank you very much! I was wondering if I could I interest you in our brand spanking new, super duper product? If you would be so kind as to offer me just a few minutes of your precious time, I will explain: Are you happy? Do you think you are happy? Would you say that you lead a normal, stable life? Well, I am very sorry to tell you this, but should I not, I don’t know who will. Forget everything that you have been told thus far by the media, or your family, or your spouse! You were born many years ago, and have been dying since that day, minute by passing minute. You are desperately trying to cover up the 7 signs of ageing by using ointments and lotions made of whale blubber, or by going for cosmetic surgery in your lunch hour, thus effectively giving God the middle finger. And why this compulsive obsession with beauty and age? Does it have something to do with the way your parents told you fairy tales in which the evil and stupid witch is always hideously old and haggard, and the wonderful, and pure princess resembles a heavenly creature of beauty and light? Does this insecurity stem from many years of reading Cosmopolitan, and being told that no man will even consider looking in your direction unless you are a size 2 with a pair of double d’s? But being young and gorgeous isn’t enough! To go with your radiant beauty, you need a house of equal splendour and stature, so as to impress all the people who really matter. Like your neighbours, the Jones’! But also remember that Italian sofa’s don’t come clean easily! So you should yell and screech in your son’s general direction for just looking at the thing and not even necessarily contemplating that you are giving him an inferiority complex that will lead to many years of therapy and violent tendencies. Watching soap opera’s on your insanely large big-screen T.V. will also teach you that you and your partner should never fight under any circumstances, always get along and ALWAYS reach orgasm simultaneously. But what does all of this have to do with our brand spanking, new, super duper product, you may ask? Well, it’s called “The Wake-up.” Yes, the “The Wake-up.” Because, should you “catch a wake-up”, as we so fondly refer to in the industry, you will realise that all of your above-mentioned actions are futile. Beginning with the fact that you WILL DIE, and that there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. This in turn will make you realise that there are much more important things to be worried about while making use of the time that you do actually have, like: Raising a healthy, stable and lovingly nurtured family. You don’t live for yourself. You don’t have that luxury. Secondly: Other people’s opinions about you don’t make you that person they think you are. If someone judges you, they shouldn’t be a part of your life in the first place. You have nothing to prove to the world. Material possessions handcrafted in sweatshops by 6 year olds will eventually rot and crumble away. You can’t take your Ming vase to heaven. Not even for a nominal fee! These are just a few of the realisations you will come to when you decide to “Catch a Wake-Up” today! Not only will you be a truly happier individual, but you will also learn to appreciate the simple things in life, as well as the many blessings that you do have. Like not living in Zimbabwe, for example. Should you “Catch a Wake-Up” today, you may also become a free subscriber to our newsletter, “Wake up and smell the coffee.” Go on! Catch a Wake-Up! Batteries not included, ideas sold separately. Well ma’am, have I convinced you to become the lucky owner of a new mindset?