The ugly side of thoughts...

This is one of my first poems, and I know it might have a disturbing effect - but it is a part of my development for the better from a very sad time in my life. I'm okay now ;) Sometimes I cry because of the pain you gave me With your cheek turning away, as if you weren't even bothered, Giving me the impression of that you don´t really love me, That you are just using me for having someone in your life. Not me, just someone... An ugly side of thoughts occurs of stupidity and ignorance from accepting your love. I fill my heart up with guilt and hatred for myself, This heart deserves a punishment for it´s blossoming feelings for you. I whisper "Aw" and imagine getting beaten up by you, Even though you wouldn't hurt a fly. Whats worse: I actually wish the day to come where you beat me up...